~ Seasons Of Forgetting ~

by

Jeanne Howard

Jared was asleep on the bed. On the nightstand was the book of poetry he’d bought her for Christmas. Taking a blanket from the closet, Joanna covered him and sat on the edge of the bed watching him. His face was beautiful in repose. He was breathing lightly, looking content and serene. Joanna loved him so much she thought her heart would burst. What would become of them? How could this miracle they had found ever be lost? She sighed, lay back on the pillows and closed her eyes. It was warm and comforting, being there. She knew with Jared she would always feel this safe and loved. Almost immediately she was asleep, her breathing unconsciously matching his.

~ * ~

When they awoke, they were entwined in one another’s arms. Jared kissed her gently.

“I love your gown, darling. Blue is definitely your color.”

“Thank you. I hoped you’d like it.” Her voice was thin, her eyebrows knit thoughtfully.

“What is it? What’s on your mind?”

“I didn’t want to talk about this... not now anyway, while we’re here together in a place where problems shouldn’t exist. But I guess I can’t avoid it. I need you to promise me something.”

“If I can, you know I will.”

“Don’t forget me when you’re making decisions about the future.”

Jared started to say something, but Joanna put her fingers to his lips. “I’m not finished yet. Promise me you’ll remember what we have, what we’ve found here. I don’t want you ever to forget this, no matter what. Promise me?”

“Oh, my darling, how could I ever forget? No matter what the decision or when it has to be made, how could I leave you out of it?”

“I don’t know, but I’m terribly afraid. I know I’ll never stand in your way if you decide to spend the rest of your life with Vicki for the sake of the children. I’ve been there; I’ve been Marina and Michael, and I would never want their lives to be as tainted as mine has been. I won’t be able to pressure you. But what we’ve shared is all that will argue my cause when you have to weigh your options.”

Jared turned and held her close. “I will never forget you, my darling. Never. No matter what happens. No matter where our lives take us. I will never forget you. I love you, and I always will.”

She clung to him as if he were a life preserver in a raging sea, her face buried in his neck. Finally, she pulled away.

“I’ll try not to bring this up again. We’ll face whatever we have to. But I want you to know you are who I want, you will always be who I want, for as long as I live.” She kissed his hands then rested her head on his chest. After awhile, she stirred.

“Why don’t we lighten up a little and order some dinner?”

~ * ~

They ate mostly in silence, struggling to find a way to erase the somber mood Joanna had unwittingly created.

After dinner, he stood and crossed to her chair, taking her face in his hands. “Do you know how happy you make me? I know I’m running out of ways to tell you.” He went to the table by the bed, picked up the book and came back to sit in the chair next to Joanna.

“I thought of this last night, after the last time we made love. Listen...

“‘Your eyes never opened after the last kiss.

“‘We had loved hard--it’s all over your throat and hair, it lies on your mouth like a wild red flower; it’s on your cheeks and forehead in waning radiance. Your hand half-sleeping finds me... your touch is very dear.’

“Benton has a way of putting my own feelings into words. Listen,” he said, as he read several verses. He put the book down and continued to recite from memory, his voice growing husky and unsteady.

“‘I need love more than ever now... I need your love, I need love more than hope or money, wisdom or a drink.’”

His eyes filled with tears. “‘And God has made no other eyes like yours.’” His voice broke, and he took her into his arms. She felt his tears on her face, but he would not release her far enough for her to look into his eyes. He stood holding her tightly.

“Forgive me, darling,” he said finally. “Give me a minute.”

When he came out of the bathroom, he’d regained his composure. He smiled apologetically. “I don’t know what came over me. I’m not normally such an emotional person. Something in you brings out the sentimental fool in me, I suppose.”

“I don’t ever want to make you sad,” Joanna said.

“You don’t; you always make me very happy.” He moved to the phone and called room service to order a pitcher of manhattans.

“I want to freshen up a bit,” she said, touching his arm as she walked into the bathroom. She stood for a long time looking in the mirror at an unfamiliar face, older, sadder, with eyes that foresaw impending tragedy, lips swollen from the ferocity of their passion. Who was this woman? Who had she been before? Who would she be when reality intruded as it inevitably would? Joanna knew the answer. She also knew she would always belong to Jared, no matter what the future held.

He had poured the manhattans and added the cherries, lowered the volume on the radio and put out all the lights but one. They sat drinking in silence for a few minutes.

“Tell me more about you, Jared. It seems like I’ve done all the talking about myself and you’ve been quiet about your family. Tell me about them.”

“There’s not a lot to tell. I told you before that I joined the Navy to get away from home, but I didn’t mean to make it sound so bad. My mother and I were very close; she was a good friend as well as a parent. It was a different story with my father. He didn’t seem to be able to express his emotions well. I don’t remember ever being kissed by him.”

“That must have been a difficult way to grow up. You deserve a lot of credit for turning into the loving, demonstrative person you are. Your children certainly are the beneficiaries of that love.”

“I’ve tried to learn from the shortcomings of my father. It was very hard being both mother and father to the kids after Vicki began to withdraw. I don’t know what I would have done without Genna these last months.”

“Do you ever talk to her about your troubles with Vicki?”

“No, not really. She sees what’s going on. Once in a while I see an expression on her face that tells me she’s as puzzled about what’s happened to Vicki as I. She seems to want to help me, to make life easier if she can by pitching in with the kids and the house. I don’t know what she thinks will happen down the road.”

Jared finished his manhattan, laid his head on the back of the chair and closed his eyes. “Mmmm, that was excellent.”

Joanna still had half a glass left. Jared’s eyes stayed closed, so she picked up the book and read the rest of the poems while she sipped the cocktail. Benton was a sensitive and talented poet, she decided. His work was filled with emotion and imagery, truly unlike anything she’d ever read.

Her eyelids heavy with fatigue, Joanna reached over and caressed Jared’s forehead until he opened his eyes dreamily and smiled.

“Did I do it again? I’m sorry. You leave me feeling deliciously relaxed, so much so it’s hard to avoid falling asleep. That doesn’t make me very good company.”

“You’re the only company I want,” Joanna said, taking his hand. “For now, though, I think we could both use some sleep. Come to bed.”

All Joanna remembered was Jared’s warm, wonderful body, the tenderness of their lovemaking, the ferocity and the gentleness of his kisses as she fell asleep, his hand across her chest, resting lightly on her shoulder.

~ * ~

Joanna opened her eyes with a start. Jared was still, his head almost on her shoulder. She lay there and listened to his quiet breathing, watching him.

Today was their last day in Manhattan. Tonight would be their last together for who knew how long. Her throat tightened, and the hot tears filled her eyes. What would life be like when they went back? Nights in a dormitory room, days going through the motions of being a student and an occasional time spent with Jared at the club or in the snack bar? After this? After this, they should be going home together. They should be able to slip into bed each night together, have breakfast together and love as freely as they had these past two days. She was overwhelmed with sadness. Getting up soundlessly, she went into the bathroom, sank to the floor on the soft carpet and sobbed quietly.

Dawn was just bringing the faintest of lights into the room when she returned to bed, no tears left to shed. She stood looking down at Jared’s handsome face, her heart heavy. She slid under the covers as close to him as she could get. He stirred slightly and reached out to touch her before sleep pulled him back. One more day.